Paralyzed by a Little of Everything.

More days than not, I find myself wanting to do so much. I want to deep clean our apartment, sort through items to donate, blog, watch 'my people' on YouTube, read blogs, catch up on my stack of books...the list could truly go on. And being someone who was born a planner, I find some days I'm good at getting things done; I seamless move from one task to another. IMG_3554

But other days - it is the complete opposite.

My "want to-do" list could be 5 items long, and at the end of the day, I find none of them accomplished. What I realized this has turned into is a game of feeling paralyzed by wanting to do everything - all at once. Instead of just starting something and seeing where the day takes me, nothing happens. I find myself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, or doing a task that is just no fun instead of really listening to my mind on what I want to do.

Blogging has, unfortunately, been on the "want to-do" list, but never gets touched on. And it is the one task I know could not only benefit me, but could benefit others. I am working through trying to find my words in this beautiful blog world, but at the same time, not taking action to just write is moving me back two steps. In the motivational words of Shia Lebouf - "just do it" (I suppose I could say in the words of Nike - but Shia's viral video sticks once you watch it).

Here I am - just doing it. I am sick of trying to find the perfect time - because honestly, I'm not sure it actually exists.

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In the past week, I have felt this definite shift in my mentality. A lot of thoughts are coming to the surface and I can feel myself changing each day when I wake up. It sounds cheesy, I know, but there is really no other way to describe it. Last weekend lead to preparing blog posts for the week ahead, and it made me feel so alive. More alive than I have felt over the past couple of months as I work through my depression and anxiety. My mental health is a place I have come to accept and be proud of; because at the end of the day, it is what makes me "me". And to find blogging helped me to share my thoughts in a healing way - I want it to continue.

An opportunity presented itself at the gym, one that first brought so much excitement in my life, and a sense of accomplishment - that my hard work had paid off. But as the days started to pass after the initial invite to our comp class at CFA, it felt overwhelming. My training schedule would be changing, and I'd be finding myself on the opposite schedule of what I loved about CrossFit initially. I love being able to start my days with a WOD, with great people getting me through. And I loved being able to see one of my best friends a few mornings a week. And it was all about to change.

As I moved through the weekend, I found myself become more paralyzed on the decision I should make. After turning to my two best friends at the gym, I found the timing to just not be right for me. I preach "you do you" to many people; about how important it is to make decisions that satisfy who you are as a person.

I wasn't doing that for myself.

And while it will be hard to move past this opportunity, I know it is the best decision for me. It will allow me to continue having most evenings at home with Matthew. It will continue my morning WODs with one of my favorites. It will allow me to set up my day in the best way possible. And possibly one of the best parts - it will give me the time to blog. CrossFit always felt like it was going to be this huge part of my life, and while it still is (without a doubt), it isn't everything right now. I am trying to find a way to figure out what I truly want to do and where I want to put my passions in this world.

Everything that has happened up until this point has helped me become the Kelsey I am today. I wouldn't change anything and feel we are suppose to go through these life events and decisions to help us further figure out who were are in this world.

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Has there been a time in your life where you turned away a perfect opportunity, to only realize it was the best decision for you?