Last Monday, I committed to taking a full month off from CrossFit. While it almost felt like the hardest and scariest decision in one moment, it really wasn't. It made sense and it had been on my mind for a few weeks. Right now, it still seems kind of hard to describe why and also how I'm feeling. In short, it just feels right. It feels so needed in every part of my mind, my body, and my soul.
My mind feels clear. A weight has left my shoulders. The time I need for me is there. Little changes I've thought about for months are finally happening. More emotions are coming in and out of my body. I'm looking into myself and learning more about me.
I'm finding more confidence in every decision I make. I am worrying less and less about the opinions of others. My gut and intuition are getting the best of my attention. I finally starting a meditation practice. My heart feels good.
It feels like so much has happened. Four days has felt like two weeks, and excitement for how much transformation and clarity will come in a month. The emotions come and go on whether I made the 'right' decision. But that's just it. In this life, it is hard to imagine we can only categorize decisions between right and wrong. In a matter of a day, one simple decision can waver in your mind as being right, and then pendulum back with the thought of being wrong. It truly comes down to what you know is right in your gut and supporting yourself through all of the emotions.
Each day, there has been confirmation I made the right decision for me. I found an article I pulled out of a magazine about a year ago about overtraining, and needing to take rest. I've had conversations with multiple friends who are being 100% supportive. My friend Madison shared this blog post with me, and it brought tears to my eyes. That's how real this has all been. That's how much this was needed.
Going into what I took away from her post, listening to my gut was the biggest indicator for this time of rest. I just had a feeling it was something I needed to do because what I currently was doing didn't feel right for me. For something with a creative mind, I had nothing in me to create. Since embracing rest, my mind is filling up with ideas and finding inspiration every day.
I knew my gut was onto something.
It came down to figuring out my feelings. As scary as this is to type, before taking this break, I wasn't feeling anything. Because my mind was caught up in waking up early, making sure I got enough sleep and keeping the rest of 'life' together, my feelings weren't getting the attention they desperately needed. In the past few days, I've felt joy and happiness, but I've also been able to let feelings come as they choose. The most random of things in my life have brought tears to my eyes, and I'm embracing it to it's fullest.
The last portion deserves its own space for thought. What it came down to was feeling weak at my core. For me, this meant not letting myself decide what was essential for me in life. Right now, nothing is more important than taking the time to recover my body fully and to make other loves, like blogging, a higher priority. It is hard to explain how much I wanted to be writing, but could never manage to make it essential. My core needs to build upon its essentials to put strength back into my life. Life felt like this:
You see, if we say YES to something that we aren’t really wanting to do, but we feel obligated to do it because of whatever reason, that means in a round-about way that you are saying NO to something much more important to you.
That is what it came down to. I was at a point where my mind felt foggy with everything. I was craving clarity. With where things were at, I just couldn't seem to find it for myself.
And because I decided to give myself a just a little grace (and a whole lot of love), I'm coming out each day stronger. As I said to my dear friend Mary, it feels like I'm standing in and stepping into my own power by doing this. By really truly listening; not only to my body, but my mind & soul as well.